Everyone knows autumn starts in September, right? I always liked that about the calendar, how we have 4 seasons and 12 months so every season lasts 3 months long. Where I live, that's pretty true, at least. So now it is officially autumn. The trees are already gaining a yellow hue and soon they'll be bare. Conserving their energy as winter approaches. I can't wait for cozy blankets and candles and tea and hot cocoa. My favorite parts about autumn.

I've been struggling pretty badly, mentally. I'm out of my usual psychiatric medication so I'm using the meds that were prescribed on an "as needed" basis. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me afloat even slightly. I talked with my therapist about how I've been feeling. She thinks (and I agree) that I've been dealing with something called ideas of reference. Basically I think everything I read or watch has a message specifically for me; in my case, I read something and I think I need to change my entire life to be like the book. It makes me feel like there is no real me. It also doesn't help that I've been reading books about different religions and spiritual practices, so I always feel like I HAVE to convert. I can't just enjoy something. It always has to have a deeper meaning for me specifically. It's annoying. But now that I know what it is, it makes it feel less scary.

Haven't been writing much, either. Motivation in general has been low. I feel pretty anxious about being outside. But I have to leave the house to go to class this semester. In fact, I'm writing this post while I'm on campus. I have a math class, it's been hard. I'm really not that great at math. But I've been doing okay so far, so I'm happy about that.

This past weekend my best friends and I took a road trip to San Francisco to see My Chemical Romance! The concert was incredible, they are so good live. And the story throughout the show was so much fun to watch and be a part of. Ahhh, I could talk about it all day.

While we were there we walked to Pier 39 to go window-shopping (not as much fun for me because I don't like shopping) and got our photos taken at a photo booth (this was a lot more fun). We ate at a wonderful restaurant for lunch that came out to be $107! That's the most I've ever paid on a meal, but my friends sent me money for their share of the food. We walked so much. Then after the concert we left and had to walk a lot more to get back to the car. My body is so sore and exhausted, even though my brain is pretty awake. I'm glad to be home. I appreciate my friends for the most part but I was thrilled to finally be going home. My dad said it looked like I just came back from camping or a theme park. Nope, just a cool as hell concert!

I don't think I'll be able to move and walk around for longer than ten minutes. My body is just still so sore. I'm reading a destiel fanfiction, which I haven't read in ages, called It's The Great Destiel Shipper, Sam Winchester by thejigsawtimess on Fanfiction.net. It's really funny so far. And I've been floating around the idea of rereading the Captive Prince series by C.S.Pacat in my head. But I don't know if I'm really in the mood for that kind of story.

I have not used my tumblr account toixxx-ace in three months. I actually made my last post, with my e-mail and stuff, on April 1st. Funny, isn't it? Except it wasn't a joke I genuinely haven't been on that account in that long. I am really glad I stopped using it, using social media all the time really makes me feel horrible.

But I gotta say... I miss it! I miss scrolling through other people's blogs, I miss liking and reblogging art and fic of my favorite characters! I kinda miss it... Even though I get so annoyed so easily and feel like I'm being yelled at by a hundred people all at once. Not being inundated with constant political messaging has also been pretty nice. I get to choose, instead of having it just appear on my dashboard despite all my attempts to filter it out.

I feel like I've ranted plenty about my friends on this page. And I'm gonna do it again!

My two friends who I have mentioned before, Cheeky and Dove, came over to chat today. It was nice to see them, but very exhausting to hang out with. I have been dealing with a minor headache since they left. But we're really different people. I'm a nonviolent pacifist, they believe in a violent revolution to fix all our problems. They're both just pretty violent. And political. I want just one time when we hang out that we don't talk about politics. Just one! I've grown to really hate the subject entirely. When we call each other on the phone we don't really talk politics, but when we're in person it's just all we (especially Cheeky) can talk about. I love them and it sometimes feels like my eyes are glazing over as they're talking about things. Both Dove and Cheeky are pretty staunch man-haters too, they're pretty open about that. But apparently they don't hate men enough to stop dating them... *rolls eyes*

They're still fun to be around, but I wonder sometimes if we're just on completely separate pages. Also I really dislike the "fake nice" voice they put on when they're talking about something they hate. It's kinda annoying. I don't know. They get along really well with my mom, to the point where I feel like they get along better with her than they do me. :(

In other news, other than the weird feelings I have towards my friends, I actually had a pretty good day. I finished reading the book Welcome to Night Vale a couple days ago. I really loved that book! I have all of the original novels that take place in Night Vale, this is just the first one I've finished. Always trying to look on the bright side of things, to let my thoughts just flow, and not ruminate on things so much. It's nice to vent sometimes.

I won't lie... The Way of Kings is a hard read when one isn't depressed and apathetic. It's so many pages and characters to keep track of. But now, as I'm in a depressive episode, reading this book is so difficult! I can barely manage a few pages at a time over the course of a couple days. I'm at this stage where I don't care about anything. However, I want to read this book. I feel terrible giving up on it, especially because I'm so interested in Szeth as a character. But he's not in the narrative very often so I'm losing interest in the rest of the book... I'm thinking of taking a break from it. Reading something else (maybe re-reading Greek Lessons by Han Kang? Or maybe Sweet Bean Paste by Durian Sukegawa?) might be good for me. Apologies to all the Brandon Sanderson fans, this is not anything against him. My brain just isn't letting me enjoy this book the way I was at the start. It's a library book, so I'm even more hesitant to stop reading it.

But sometimes, and I've said this before, it's just not the right time to read a book. For example, in middle school I tried reading the Lord of the Rings books, I tried so very hard. But it was impossible! I just wasn't in the right headspace to read it at all. It wasn't until I was graduating high school that I was finally able to read it and enjoy it as much as I did. Perhaps this books is the same way for me. Maybe I'll check it out again in a bit and devour it in one week! I do that a lot with books.

Oh well. I'm going to keep on reading! It's a shame I'm putting down this book though, I was really determined to read it as it was super interesting. I'm not putting it away entirely, just not going to force myself to read stuff that leaves my brain as soon as I close the book.

Sorry to get so personal on this fandom blog, but that whole situation with my friend (I'll call them Cheeky) is still on my mind. Mostly because they haven't texted me hardly at all in over ten days. I asked our other mutual friend (I'll call her Dove) if they have been texting her and she confirmed that she and this best friend were texting. Then I conveniently got a text from Cheeky a few hours later. So I think that Dove told them to text me, so they did. But it's been almost a week since then and they haven't said anything else. We used to talk all the time, they would tell me anything. But now it's like we barely know each other. I refuse to text first at this point, because I feel pathetic doing so and because I want some definitive proof that Cheeky still thinks of me and wants to talk to me. So far this experience has only been confirming that this isn't the case. I even gave them a heartfelt message saying that I don't want our friendship to end but it feels that way because they keep putting their boyfriend above their friends and they are keeping things from me. Cheeky promised at the time that they weren't going to do this and they were sorry for ghosting me so much. Only for them to continue doing so with no sense of remorse. God, this sucks. I never thought I would feel this way about Cheeky, I really thought we were best friends. They always talked about someday moving in together and sharing a life together. At one point they even said they were in love with me. Now I feel like an idiot for taking them seriously at all. We were supposed to go to a concert together in a couple of months, we planned for it last year before they got in such a horrible relationship, but now I really don't know if that's happening. If this is the way things are going... I don't want to lose this friendship. It means so much to me. But it doesn't seem like it means that much to them. Who knows, maybe they'll message me in an hour and this whole post will mean nothing. Maybe I'll even delete it because our friendship suddenly blossomed in the next few days. But if this post is still up, then you know why.

The title is a reference to my Fanfiction.net account, which I actually started using more this weekend! I never deleted my account, and I have lots to update it on. I forgot that you can PM people on there! Why are there so many bots (or maybe they're real people) trying to get you to pay for commissions of artwork for your fics? There was one who sounded very normal and we actually exchanged emails before they started up with the whole "oh it's actually a paid commission". Sorry, I was under the impression you just liked my work and wanted to do a little art about it, not that this was something you were trying to get me to buy. Whatever happened to gift economy? I made this writing for free and I'm not expecting anything in return. But if my writing inspired you to make art, then I would love for you to send it to me so I can give it all my love, because that would be such an honor! Anyway, I've been fending off those people in my PMs since I posted Like I'd Follow Him Anywhere and showed that my account was still alive. I did get some actual PMs from a person saying they liked my Simon Snow fics and were wondering if I would post more. I felt so bad because that PM was from 2022! And I only replied just a few days ago! But it's been fun to chat with them.

So I have been crossposting some of my fics from AO3 onto Fanfiction.net. The only ones I'm really unsure about are the MobxReigen ones. Fanfiction.net doesn't have the tagging system that AO3 has, and I don't even know if they really allow age gap relationships, even in my fics where Mob is of a legal age. I wouldn't want to get my account in trouble after so long of having it! I've seen only one other person I think writing mobrei, so I'm a bit nervous. Maybe I'll read their work and message them asking what their experience is like!

I'm not going to go into it too much. Just... my best friend is not in their right mind. They got into a horrible relationship and it is quickly ruining their life but they refuse to listen to anything our other best friend or I say. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. To put it shortly, they got in major trouble yesterday and are now worse off then they were before. It is causing a lot of conflict and friction and it's just really hard to be friends with them. I care about them a lot, but I don't want to support their behavior or decisions. We've known each other our whole lives, I can't imagine my life without them, but the way things are going it's really hard. Every time they get into a relationship they put their partner above all else and their friends go on the back burner, which already is hurtful, but this is a step too far. This feels different from when my other best friend was struggling with illegal drug use, with her it felt like we could still reach her, even if it was difficult. I still saw glimpses of my friend when she talked to me. But now, with this other friend, I don't even recognize their behavior. It's like this relationship has turned them into a different person I don't know. It's scary, and I don't know what to do. I'm not equipped to handle situations like these. I don't know how to talk to my parents about this, but I want to. I just want to get it off my chest.

This has all been really stressful on me. And I'm just coming off a hypomanic episode, I still feel really floaty and irritable and like I can't make sensible decisions. I almost spent $100 on them without even thinking! It took my other best friend talking to me about it to help me think through it. And we had plans to go to a concert this summer. I don't even know if that's going to happen. This whole situation just feels crazy complicated. I don't even know what to say to them now, if I should even message them or call them. I don't know what I will say or what I should say. Honestly, I'm really disappointed with them. I'm disappointed with myself for not somehow preventing this. It's just really frustrating and confusing. It feels like my head is in a whirl. I don't know. I've already written about all this in my journal. I just needed somewhere else to talk about it.

I'll address the "making things easier" part first. Today I changed the ringtone for my phone. I used to have it as this 80s retro phone sound because I was pretty into retro stuff at the time. I actually found a YouTube video of the exact sound. But ever since I changed my ringtone to this, it's made me more scared of answering my phone. The sound startles me, first, and then it just echoes in my head and seems to get louder and louder. I asked my friend to call my today and when they did I became genuinely scared by it! And this wasn't a freaky spam call or even an intimidating call about medical stuff or anything, it was just a call by my best friend. So that's when I realized, why am I torturing myself like this? I decided to make my life slightly easier by changing my ringtone to a calmer tune, something that hopefully won't make me jump out of my skin every time I hear it. That's something I want to work on a bit-- not forcing myself to suffer through inconsequential silly things.

Now onto the second part: growing discipline. I hate to say it but I lack discipline. I lack motivation and it's hard for me to stay consistent in things. I think I am this way partly because of how I was raised and also because of my mental illness affecting me that way. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want to give in to this feeling that I can't do anything. So I'm starting out in an unconventional way. When I was a teenager I studiously practiced Hellenic Polytheism, a pagan religion about worshipping nature and the ancient Greek gods. This was something I spent a lot of time doing, something I built a routine out of, something I was very comfortable with. But then COVID lockdowns happened and for some reason, it completely flipped my brain. I didn't care about anything, not school, not my interests, not even my religion. So I stopped praying, stopped giving offerings, stopped any of that. Which, in my religion, action matters more than faith. Another reason why I stopped practicing is that I don't know anyone else who is Hellenic Polytheistic, so it felt very lonely. But I want the structure again, I never stopped believing in the deities and spirits, I just stopped asking for things and giving offerings. I'm going to grow discipline first in my spiritual life, by being more open about it and allowing myself to get comfortable again. I think it will benefit my mental health quite a bit.

Listen, as a writer, I find it really satisfying when anyone who reads my work says it emotionally impacted them. If I can write a character that makes people angry, or write a scenario that touches their hearts, it means a lot. So I understand why Naomi Novik chose to make Orion sacrifice himself the way he did. When I read that, him confessing his love for El and then pushing her out the door, I had to read it at least three times before it fully hit me what just happened. And then I freaked out. Although, I understand why it had to happen. This character, who was only a weapon and who was at his happiest when he was killing an evil magical beast, he was destined to sacrifice for the greater good. "He died doing what he loved" and all that. But he had so much potential, finally loving something, someone, other than killing, and that person was El. I really thought, for a split second, that they would get out together and live happily in the third book. But then Patience showed up, and Novik described that look in Orion's eye when he saw the maw mouth, and I knew the book would not end happily. And now I'm sitting here, still silently freaking out, because I need to read the third book and figure out what happens next. Is El okay? I mean she survived, but at what cost. Was this what her mom was warning her about, the heartbreak? It's not lost on me that this mirrors what happened to El's parents... I was just really hopeful, up until the last chapter, that everyone really would get out and graduate and El and Orion would go off around the world opening up Enclaves to help other wizards. I'm still holding out some hope that Orion survives this, that El spends the next book bringing him back, because without that hope I think I would be utterly crushed. In any case, I need to know what happens next. I think I'm gonna order the third book soon. This copy I was reading was just a library book, but now I really need my own personal copy to reread and cry on.

To soothe the hurt, I'm reading an Agatha Christie book, The Body in the Library. I think I'll be grieving Orion for a long time, at least until I read the third book and get the full story. I feel like I should be wearing a T-Shirt that says "Do Not Ask Me About Orion Lake" on front side and "Unless You Have Tissues" on the back. Because even thinking about him makes me want to cry.