nimpark

I'll address the "making things easier" part first. Today I changed the ringtone for my phone. I used to have it as this 80s retro phone sound because I was pretty into retro stuff at the time. I actually found a YouTube video of the exact sound. But ever since I changed my ringtone to this, it's made me more scared of answering my phone. The sound startles me, first, and then it just echoes in my head and seems to get louder and louder. I asked my friend to call my today and when they did I became genuinely scared by it! And this wasn't a freaky spam call or even an intimidating call about medical stuff or anything, it was just a call by my best friend. So that's when I realized, why am I torturing myself like this? I decided to make my life slightly easier by changing my ringtone to a calmer tune, something that hopefully won't make me jump out of my skin every time I hear it. That's something I want to work on a bit-- not forcing myself to suffer through inconsequential silly things.

Now onto the second part: growing discipline. I hate to say it but I lack discipline. I lack motivation and it's hard for me to stay consistent in things. I think I am this way partly because of how I was raised and also because of my mental illness affecting me that way. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want to give in to this feeling that I can't do anything. So I'm starting out in an unconventional way. When I was a teenager I studiously practiced Hellenic Polytheism, a pagan religion about worshipping nature and the ancient Greek gods. This was something I spent a lot of time doing, something I built a routine out of, something I was very comfortable with. But then COVID lockdowns happened and for some reason, it completely flipped my brain. I didn't care about anything, not school, not my interests, not even my religion. So I stopped praying, stopped giving offerings, stopped any of that. Which, in my religion, action matters more than faith. Another reason why I stopped practicing is that I don't know anyone else who is Hellenic Polytheistic, so it felt very lonely. But I want the structure again, I never stopped believing in the deities and spirits, I just stopped asking for things and giving offerings. I'm going to grow discipline first in my spiritual life, by being more open about it and allowing myself to get comfortable again. I think it will benefit my mental health quite a bit.