nimpark

The title is a reference to my Fanfiction.net account, which I actually started using more this weekend! I never deleted my account, and I have lots to update it on. I forgot that you can PM people on there! Why are there so many bots (or maybe they're real people) trying to get you to pay for commissions of artwork for your fics? There was one who sounded very normal and we actually exchanged emails before they started up with the whole "oh it's actually a paid commission". Sorry, I was under the impression you just liked my work and wanted to do a little art about it, not that this was something you were trying to get me to buy. Whatever happened to gift economy? I made this writing for free and I'm not expecting anything in return. But if my writing inspired you to make art, then I would love for you to send it to me so I can give it all my love, because that would be such an honor! Anyway, I've been fending off those people in my PMs since I posted Like I'd Follow Him Anywhere and showed that my account was still alive. I did get some actual PMs from a person saying they liked my Simon Snow fics and were wondering if I would post more. I felt so bad because that PM was from 2022! And I only replied just a few days ago! But it's been fun to chat with them.

So I have been crossposting some of my fics from AO3 onto Fanfiction.net. The only ones I'm really unsure about are the MobxReigen ones. Fanfiction.net doesn't have the tagging system that AO3 has, and I don't even know if they really allow age gap relationships, even in my fics where Mob is of a legal age. I wouldn't want to get my account in trouble after so long of having it! I've seen only one other person I think writing mobrei, so I'm a bit nervous. Maybe I'll read their work and message them asking what their experience is like!

I'm not going to go into it too much. Just... my best friend is not in their right mind. They got into a horrible relationship and it is quickly ruining their life but they refuse to listen to anything our other best friend or I say. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. To put it shortly, they got in major trouble yesterday and are now worse off then they were before. It is causing a lot of conflict and friction and it's just really hard to be friends with them. I care about them a lot, but I don't want to support their behavior or decisions. We've known each other our whole lives, I can't imagine my life without them, but the way things are going it's really hard. Every time they get into a relationship they put their partner above all else and their friends go on the back burner, which already is hurtful, but this is a step too far. This feels different from when my other best friend was struggling with illegal drug use, with her it felt like we could still reach her, even if it was difficult. I still saw glimpses of my friend when she talked to me. But now, with this other friend, I don't even recognize their behavior. It's like this relationship has turned them into a different person I don't know. It's scary, and I don't know what to do. I'm not equipped to handle situations like these. I don't know how to talk to my parents about this, but I want to. I just want to get it off my chest.

This has all been really stressful on me. And I'm just coming off a hypomanic episode, I still feel really floaty and irritable and like I can't make sensible decisions. I almost spent $100 on them without even thinking! It took my other best friend talking to me about it to help me think through it. And we had plans to go to a concert this summer. I don't even know if that's going to happen. This whole situation just feels crazy complicated. I don't even know what to say to them now, if I should even message them or call them. I don't know what I will say or what I should say. Honestly, I'm really disappointed with them. I'm disappointed with myself for not somehow preventing this. It's just really frustrating and confusing. It feels like my head is in a whirl. I don't know. I've already written about all this in my journal. I just needed somewhere else to talk about it.

I'll address the "making things easier" part first. Today I changed the ringtone for my phone. I used to have it as this 80s retro phone sound because I was pretty into retro stuff at the time. I actually found a YouTube video of the exact sound. But ever since I changed my ringtone to this, it's made me more scared of answering my phone. The sound startles me, first, and then it just echoes in my head and seems to get louder and louder. I asked my friend to call my today and when they did I became genuinely scared by it! And this wasn't a freaky spam call or even an intimidating call about medical stuff or anything, it was just a call by my best friend. So that's when I realized, why am I torturing myself like this? I decided to make my life slightly easier by changing my ringtone to a calmer tune, something that hopefully won't make me jump out of my skin every time I hear it. That's something I want to work on a bit-- not forcing myself to suffer through inconsequential silly things.

Now onto the second part: growing discipline. I hate to say it but I lack discipline. I lack motivation and it's hard for me to stay consistent in things. I think I am this way partly because of how I was raised and also because of my mental illness affecting me that way. But I don't want to be this way, I don't want to give in to this feeling that I can't do anything. So I'm starting out in an unconventional way. When I was a teenager I studiously practiced Hellenic Polytheism, a pagan religion about worshipping nature and the ancient Greek gods. This was something I spent a lot of time doing, something I built a routine out of, something I was very comfortable with. But then COVID lockdowns happened and for some reason, it completely flipped my brain. I didn't care about anything, not school, not my interests, not even my religion. So I stopped praying, stopped giving offerings, stopped any of that. Which, in my religion, action matters more than faith. Another reason why I stopped practicing is that I don't know anyone else who is Hellenic Polytheistic, so it felt very lonely. But I want the structure again, I never stopped believing in the deities and spirits, I just stopped asking for things and giving offerings. I'm going to grow discipline first in my spiritual life, by being more open about it and allowing myself to get comfortable again. I think it will benefit my mental health quite a bit.

Listen, as a writer, I find it really satisfying when anyone who reads my work says it emotionally impacted them. If I can write a character that makes people angry, or write a scenario that touches their hearts, it means a lot. So I understand why Naomi Novik chose to make Orion sacrifice himself the way he did. When I read that, him confessing his love for El and then pushing her out the door, I had to read it at least three times before it fully hit me what just happened. And then I freaked out. Although, I understand why it had to happen. This character, who was only a weapon and who was at his happiest when he was killing an evil magical beast, he was destined to sacrifice for the greater good. "He died doing what he loved" and all that. But he had so much potential, finally loving something, someone, other than killing, and that person was El. I really thought, for a split second, that they would get out together and live happily in the third book. But then Patience showed up, and Novik described that look in Orion's eye when he saw the maw mouth, and I knew the book would not end happily. And now I'm sitting here, still silently freaking out, because I need to read the third book and figure out what happens next. Is El okay? I mean she survived, but at what cost. Was this what her mom was warning her about, the heartbreak? It's not lost on me that this mirrors what happened to El's parents... I was just really hopeful, up until the last chapter, that everyone really would get out and graduate and El and Orion would go off around the world opening up Enclaves to help other wizards. I'm still holding out some hope that Orion survives this, that El spends the next book bringing him back, because without that hope I think I would be utterly crushed. In any case, I need to know what happens next. I think I'm gonna order the third book soon. This copy I was reading was just a library book, but now I really need my own personal copy to reread and cry on.

To soothe the hurt, I'm reading an Agatha Christie book, The Body in the Library. I think I'll be grieving Orion for a long time, at least until I read the third book and get the full story. I feel like I should be wearing a T-Shirt that says "Do Not Ask Me About Orion Lake" on front side and "Unless You Have Tissues" on the back. Because even thinking about him makes me want to cry.

She's done it again! If you've read The Murder of Roger Ackroyd then you will know exactly what I mean. I don't want to spoil it for those who haven't read it, but my God it was such a wild reveal. I suspected the murderer the day before I read the reveal, when I had about four chapters left. But I wasn't sure enough, and I wasn't paying enough attention to the discrepancies in his account of what happened. There were some parts, like the dictaphone, where I was thoroughly baffled by until we got to the reveal. Like, WHERE DID IT GO?? But that was such a satisfying reveal and I felt so so bad for Caroline at the very end. I loved her as a character through the whole story and knowing how the reveal affects her, it just broke my heart. But I absolutely loved this book, I feel like I could've figured it out easier, or at least gotten closer to the answer, if I had read it as a physical book instead of an e-book. With a physical book, it's so much easier to flip back through the pages and reread a character's statement, but with an e-book it feels like a much bigger hassle. I'm sure the more I read e-books the more I'll get used to all its quirks, but for now I'm not going to be reading any murder mysteries with it, because I need to be able to quickly reread! Agatha Christie is an absolute icon when it comes to her craft and I can't wait to read more.

After finishing that Agatha Christie book, I moved on to reread Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. It's one of my absolute favorite books, I read it when I was around 12 or 13 and it was a book I desperately needed at the time. It made me feel so much more confident in myself as a fan and encouraged my fanfiction writing like nothing else. Even now, when I feel like I need a boost of confidence in my space as a fanfic writer, I will pick up this book and reread it. All the characters feel like old friends at this point and I squee at the love story every time. I normally don't really like heterosexual romances, but Cath and Levi are different for me. For one, the book has a focus besides the romance. It's a nerdy coming of age story, with a romance on the side. Yes, Cath's relationship with Levi is important to the book, but I like how it is built up as a friendship first. Also, Levi is like the perfect man, completely giving me the highest expectations for every man I meet kinda character. And Cath's relationship with her sister and dad is just unbeatable. Her struggles with anxiety also hits really close to home for me and it's comforting to see yourself in a character like that, a character who struggles but overcomes everything and gets her happily ever after.

I made focaccia bread yesterday, and it was a big hit with my family. Today I'm going to the library to return some books and maybe even pick up a physical copy of another Agatha Christie mystery. I've only read some of her standalone stories and Poirot stories, but I want to see if I can find something with Miss Marple. I'm also tentatively writing fanfiction. Trying not to think too hard about it, and just write whenever I find the urge to. Also not worrying at all about it sounding super eloquent or the prose, just writing what needs to happen for the story to work. Fixing it up is editing-me's job. I kinda wish I had someone to read over it while I edit, before I post it. I could always ask my friends but they're not really into Harry Potter fanfiction. And I honestly don't really have any Internet friends. I have "mutuals" who I reblog from and like and stuff, but we never really talk. Unfortunately, I am a sad little hermit who never initiates conversation, so I can only blame myself. But even when I try joining Discords it doesn't work out. Too fast-paced for me. And the last fanfiction Discord I joined wouldn't even let me share my fics, so nobody was able to read it. So that was a bust. I also just felt really awkward there, it seemed like nobody else shipped Draco/Harry. Anyway, those are my plans for today. Reading and writing and doing work for my online class. (Although I'm kinda procrastinating that homework and the reading. Oops!)

The second month of the year 2025! January felt like it lasted forever, and it was pretty stressful near the end so I'm glad it is over. I was quite busy during winter break doing a whole lot of nothing! It felt nice to relax and unwind without having many responsibilities. Christmas time was quite a bit stressful as it typically is, but other than that I've been well.

It's very rainy this past week or so. And I've been sick, as the flu has been very contagious recently where I live. I didn't get it too badly and I think I'll be better in the next few days. Luckily my immune system is pretty strong. I know my mom didn't get so lucky because she struggles with her immune system. I haven't been doing much of anything but reading and watching YouTube videos. I have a stack of books right next to my bed to read. I haven't been able to go to the library the past two weeks so I just checked out an e-Book on Libby, an Agatha Christie mystery.

Writing has been really hard for me recently. So instead of getting too down in the dumps about it (I already gave myself a good day or two of pitying myself for not being able to write), I want to try out a new hobby. I have a keyboard piano I haven't really learned to play. I could get more into making collages. I could practice sewing. I can do other things. It's just hard because writing is something I always relied on being able to do when I needed catharsis. I need to get more hobbies so I feel more well-rounded. I remember I tried getting into ficbinding, maybe I should give that a go again.

I started reading the second book in The Last Herald-Mage trilogy, Magic's Promise, and I love it so much. Was not expecting such a big time jump though! I was so sad reading about all of the deaths that happened during it, but I'm also kind of glad to have been gently skipped over it; reading about Mardic and Donni would have made me cry for so long! So in that sense I'm glad as a reader I was just gently told about their deaths instead of having to read them in detail. Vanyel has grown up so much! I'm so proud of how far he's come since the end of the first book, and I'm excited as I get closer to what seems to be the main conflict besides the family drama.

Halloween was good. I had my best friend over and we dressed up with my sister as Dipper, Mabel, and Waddles from Gravity Falls. It was fun, a bit quiet because my neighborhood doesn't really get in the Halloween spirit, but still fun. My friend and I have been watching Riverdale recently. It's such a bad show! Now that the main mystery of who killed Jason Blossom was revealed I'm not really that interested. But I'll give it a few more episodes before I ask my friend if we can watch something else. I can't believe it's November already. The weather has finally caught up with the program and it is firmly under 80 degrees Fahrenheit every day. Next month is going to be December, and then 2025 will be right after that! 2025 sounds like such a science fiction year, moreso than 2020 I feel like.

Social media has been less and less appealing recently. The only social media I am on for more than 30 minutes a day is YouTube, and even then I have certain restrictions. I just feel like I have better things to do with my time than scroll and feel like I'm being yelled at from all directions. Social media has always felt like something that makes my social anxiety much worse, and recently (maybe it's because it's an election year) I get really overwhelmed by seeing post after post. I feel like I'm at a big party and everyone is trying to talk to me or yell across the room. And I just hate it. I like my Dreamwidth, where I can just talk into the void and maybe receive comments and check out other people's blogs if I want to. It doesn't feel like there's really a timeline where people can yell at me. But also, I think I'm somewhat outgrowing some of the people I follow or am mutuals with. There are mutuals I am still 100% fine with and enjoy hearing from them, but then there are some who are so politically open, and I just hate having my Tumblr, which was always prioritizing fandom stuff, to be turned into that. I understand that there are going to be people online I disagree with, but why do people have to be so violent? Recently I've just been extremely sensitive to violence, even if it's something as stupid as joking about hitting someone with hammers. It's just not funny to me, I find it disturbing that people can talk so horribly about people for something as minor as having a different opinion. And it disturbs me even more that these mutuals who I have followed can switch a dime from "oh this fun thing in our shared fandom" to "I hope this random person dies a horrible death". It's really odd and uncomfortable. But I feel bad unfollowing because some of these mutuals I've known for years. I feel bad.

The hardest part about reading The Silmarillion is knowing all the names of the people and locations. It feels like each major character has at least three different names I'm supposed to remember (because they're all used interchangeably) but my brain is just not made to remember that stuff. I'm barely holding on by a thread! Also, I really struggle with caring for a lot of these characters because I feel like I don't know them. The best chapters are the ones that dive into one or two characters, build up their relationship, and show how they impact the lore. But those chapters don't come often enough, so I find myself bored and annoyed, especially when I hear about a character but don't get any investment in who they are. This book really isn't what I was expecting and I can't help but be somewhat disappointed. I understand that this is different from The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but I wish it was more like them. It's difficult for me to stay interested. But I'm still reading, still checking the Tolkien Gateway and all the references in the back of the book. I'm nearly done with it so I plan to finish it today. Mostly because I bought Magic's Pawn by Mercedes Lackey a few days ago and it should be arriving on Tuesday. I want to start reading it immediately! The only Mercedes Lackey book I've read was a library book, it was Winds of Fate, which I really enjoyed. I want to read more about magic so I decided to read this early trilogy. Mercedes Lackey's book is what inspired me to begin working on my own fantasy world. Which I'm becoming more invested in working on! I've started writing a bit for a character, figuring out the timeline, and the languages of all the races in this world. I plan to continue working on it for the next week while I'm on break.

My mental health has been pretty stable, I would say. I've been taking all my medications on time, I could stand to go outside more, I'm interacting with friends and family. I've even been working on a creative output even when it's difficult! I talk to my therapist later this week but I don't think I'll have much to talk about! Recently the only thing that's been on my mind is my anxiety coming and going, my boredom, and trying to be creative while reading and writing. Other than those things, my mind has been blank. I'm not really worrying about what other people think or psychosis or my past experiences. I feel very content in who I am right now, happy with my life and thankful for all of the support I have in my life. Without the support of my family I couldn't imagine how much worse my life would be.

I got ahold of The Silmarillion and I've been reading that the past couple of days. I'm surprised by how much I like it. I was super intimidated by it and I thought the story would be too much for me to comprehend but I'm actually grasping it a lot easier than I thought. Of course, I'm using the dictionary, map, and genealogy trees very liberally because I would be truly lost without them. I like learning about all of the drama and elvish lore. My favorite character (that I haven't really read much about besides the chapter "Of Thingol and Melian") is probably Elwë. I find him really charming and I think it's interesting that he decided to stay on Middle-Earth the whole time and not go to Valinor. I hope I get to read more about him and his kin in later chapters. I also found the chapter on the Sun and Moon to be very sweet. I'm just having a good time allowing myself to dive into this world. I also, while poking around during my Silmarillion read, found a fan archive! They support fanfiction, fanvids, essays, and much more. It's here, I made an account and I'm getting acquainted with it now.

The temperature was really nice today. It stayed in the 80s the whole day basically, and there was a nice breeze. I went out a little bit, even when I didn't need to (and a part of me wanted to stay home). Talked to my therapist today about my car anxiety. I'm officially on fall break because I'm done with my midterm exam. Oh and I've been watching a lot of YouTube as of late. Right now I'm finishing up a series by Game Grumps where they play Phantasmagoria. It's been fun to watch them play it.

AO3 Link here

Written: 9/10/2024 Words: 401. Summary: Simon Snow has bad dreams sometimes, not all of them are related to trauma. Sometimes they're just regular, no-good nightmares. And these days, Baz is there to help him. Notes: This fic kind of exists in a nebulous space in the books' timeline. Definitely post-Carry On. Maybe even post-Any Way the Wind Blows. I wrote this after having my own bad dream, which gave inspiration to Simon's, in an attempt to rid myself of that horrible dream and help me forget it. I have not read these books in quite a while so I'm not sure why I thought of them when I needed the comfort after my nightmare but snowbaz will always, always, be such a comfort ship for me. So I guess that's why. My deepest apologies if this is ooc and doesn't make sense but I wrote this Just For Me to deal with my nightmare. Pairing: Simon Snow/Baz Pitch