nimpark

TW: some mention of eating disorder behaviors, nothing in graphic detail

I know it's become popular among advertisers to try and sell us things under the guise of taking care of ourselves. (Looking at you highly priced meditation apps and anti-aging products!) But I have been really focusing on myself and trying to hone in on my needs. Especially before I start college.

What my body needs has been so distorted by ~7 years of a consistent eating disorder. My worst symptoms were calorie and exercise-related. I don't think it has had too bad of an effect on me physically (except fucking up my metabolism and hunger cues probably) because I went through stretches of eating pretty normally, which would usually devolve into a few weeks of binge eating. Social media was a really hard influence on me because I got a lot of pro-eating disorder advice and actively avoided recovery. In all honesty, only a part of it was because of comparing my body to others, a lot of it was because of other reasons. My probably undiagnosed autism may have been a contributor. I don't know for sure but I'm not willing to rule it out.

Because of this history I have a difficult time with exercising and eating healthy without falling back into old routines. I think this is where my need for routines and obsessive behavior really negatively interacts with my eating disorder. But I know moving your body and eating a wide variety of foods is important for our overall health. So I'm making a genuine effort to engage with changing my current lifestyle a bit while not letting myself fall into those destructive patterns. Refocusing my mindset and not allowing numbers and guilt to rule my life anymore.

I don't think I'll go into any more detail than this. This is already a pretty personal post and a lot of things I'm writing down in my journal rather than posting online. So I'll end it here. I just want to say for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, whether you know it or not: your existence is important. You don't need to make yourself less than to be a part of this world. Your life is only so long, so you should take care of your mind and body as well as you're able. The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) has a online chat for support and a hotline number where you can text AND call if you need support.

I suppose you can guess from the subject line that I could be doing better. Just feeling real anxious and weird! Oh and I tried edibles with two very close friends, about 5mg. It's weird because I felt so calm. The experience really put into perspective how much of a constant buzz of anxiety I have around me.

But I have been working on myself. Doing things instead of putting it off. Letting myself enjoy things again and also letting other people know about it. I have finally started being honest about my love of rays to the people close to me and they have been beyond supportive. One of my loved ones is even hinting that he's going to get me bedding with rays on them! I think I would sob if I actually got it. So much childhood wish fulfillment that I kept myself from enjoying because I was convinced my life would be better if I was just someone else.

Other than that, not many updates! Taking a break from the bookbinding while I figure out other things. I'm working on a music video edit to the song Ocean Man by Ween and it's going to include some of my favorite rays :) Overall I am struggling with some depression and a lot of anxiety, for many reasons, but trying not to let it creep inside me and get comfortable.

I keep getting overwhelmed while applying to college. It's just so much and nothing feels like it's functioning. It took me months to finish what I thought was my application, but I don't think it was? And I was told I would get a Welcome e-mail, but I never did and now I can't move forward. And the dumb website keeps telling me my password and username is incompatible but then they use my username when trying to recover my account— so they obviously know it's me! It's so frustrating. I feel like Sisyphus.

And figuring out the student financial aid is a whole other beast I don't understand. I don't think high school prepared me for this, which is ironic since that felt like the entire purpose at my school. Is this supposed to be easy? How does anyone go to college when it's this difficult to apply?

Everything is too much. I need a break so I'm going to re-watch the Harry Potter movies. At least that won't be complicated or unfamiliar. I'm just wondering how I'm supposed to function in college when I can't even handle the application process. Maybe this is the hardest part and it gets easier after this?

I would say thee cringiest thing I have done when I was younger was... destroy all of my socially unacceptable hobbies, keep all my interests a tightly kept secret, and suppress my natural behaviors in order to appease cringe culture. I loved My Little Pony! And anime! And Harry Potter! And Supernatural! And Doctor Who! But it became cringey to like those things, to openly like those things.

Despite all of my attempts to rid myself of everything cringey, I rarely had any friends and the friends I did (do) have still do not hear much about my interests. Only recently have I been opening up more.

It is hard to believe that we are nearly done with this year. I never knew how my first year as a legal adult would go for me until now. And it has had its ups and downs.

My best friend moved away and I have only seen their face once in the last three months. (Except on their own Instagram I guess.) We said we would call and video chat but it feels like I am the only one putting in an effort. I send videos and update them on my life and they just don't tell me anything; I have to learn about their life through their Instagram stories instead of them just telling me. And they recently sent a tiktok about being close friends with someone you hardly see, obviously referring to us. But I don't know if I want to have friends that I hardly see like this.

I don't know what I want. I have been very depressed the last few weeks. Just feeling like I am a stain on society, worthless, undeserving of love or compassion or understanding. Maybe it started with my efforts to write for a contest: I started believing that I had nothing worth putting out there. That my voice wasn't worth anybody spending any amount of time on. I feel like I am wasting my life. Do I want to be a writer? Does anyone even care what I have to say? Should anyone even care?

This Christmas was so difficult. I feel useless, I feel guilty for every gift I opened from my loving family because I didn't do anything to earn them. I don't deserve to have anybody spending money on me. I don't deserve anything good. I am just nothing. I need to talk to my dad about this. It will be another week before I can see my therapist and I don't know if I can hold this in for that long.

Not only that, but my apathy is also rearing out of control. I am actively seeking out information that is hurtful, but I can't bring myself to care about anything going on in the world. I am slowly losing steam for finishing the LOTR trilogy after starting The Return of the King.

One of the shining lights on this pit of vitriol nothingness I am lying in, I was gifted eleven volumes of Kuroshitsuji, easily one of my favorite manga series, if not just my top favorite series. I am now officially caught up with the latest volume! It takes up nearly an entire shelf on my manga bookcase now. I really love the direction of the story and I cried three or four times while reading the volumes I got!

My mental health has been rough! My friend, A, doesn't seem to be as eager to keep in contact with me as I am with them and that has really taken a toll on my confidence and motivation. I used to go out once a week to hang out with them, but now that I can't do that I also can't find reasons to go out at all. But I'm coming up with some!

1. Go outside to get in touch with nature! Recognize the plants and animals you share a space with.

2. Try going to the library. Free books and a hiking trail? Sign me up!

I started reading the Lord of the Rings. It's slow going because I really am trying to pace myself. It's a lot of information to take in, so I'm going at about a chapter a day. Sometimes more if I lose track of time and keep reading. I'm logging everything on my StoryGraph because it's a lot of fun to see my progress.

Other than that I have been feeling like shit but trying to feel less like shit.

On my tumblr I've been chronicling my most recent experience with shopping online. This time it was for a set of illustrations from one of my favorite BL mangaka, Syundei. Her work is always so beautiful and the style reminds me a lot of 80s manga. But now I am -$40 (I'm guessing; I haven't actually checked my bank account because I'm too anxious lol). I felt so excited buying it, and now I'm experiencing buyers' remorse, and then when it arrives I know I'll be so happy. But now I'm in the remorse low of the spectrum and it will take until the package arrives for me to get out of it probably.

Other than that, I've been interested in drinking more tea. I am a bit of a straight-edge person, even staying away from caffeine. Though it's not because of the addictive properties, I just don't like the taste of coffee. Even in ice cream! I've had tea before, most notably green tea and black tea, and I've enjoyed them well enough. Black tea is my favorite I think. The earthy taste takes a bit of getting used to and I get tired of it after drinking it for too long. But black tea is really good! I recently had it from a boba tea shop (my first time drinking boba as well) and it reminded me of how I want to drink more tea. This weekend I should go to the store and get some nice teas, maybe oolong too!

I've mentioned before that I have hardly any friends. I technically have two friends (one of them I had a falling out with and we've only recently started getting back in contact, and that's only due to my other friend) but other than that I don't talk to anyone else who isn't related to me. On one hand, having a large friend group sounds like an actual nightmare. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm missing out on my teenagehood and feel quite lonely sometimes. So I take any chance I can get to hang out with my two friends.

I've known them since I was 11. In the past few years they've gotten into drug use, which I really don't mind. Sure it's caused a strain on our friendship in some ways but I've never felt like it intruded on it. I'll use initials to make this less confusing. I went to A's house yesterday for the first time in a long time. A and R vaped and smoked weed while I was there. I was cool with it; it's not my house anyway so I wouldn't force them to stop. But then they started asking if I would ever do drugs. Which I'm ambivalent to because I don't have super strong feelings. I kept asking myself: when I think of who I want to be in ten years (or even five years) do I imagine a person who smokes? The answer is no. R said she felt uncomfortable peer pressuring me, even though she doesn't feel bad when she does it to other people, but A just kept pushing. It was weird because A has a lot of issues regarding the people they love using drugs, so I thought it would be the last thing they want for me.

But I guess I was wrong. I don't want to be another person in their life who spirals out of control because of drugs. But it feels like that's who they want me to be. I'm the resident straight-edge of the group and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing anything until I'm 21. I have a lot of hangups about losing my touch with reality because of mental health reasons, so I can't imagine volunteering myself to lose my mind. I don't know. I should probably talk about this with my therapist and A.

I am very lucky to have grown up in a pro-fandom household. My dad and mom are both super into fandom (Marvel + Star Wars and horror, respectively) and so from a very young age I had character cardboard cutouts in the living spaces and practice in finding good merchandise. But I am one of the few Harry Potter fans in my household.

My mother has seen Harry Potter and she likes the films, my brother knows of Harry Potter, but other than them I am the only Harry Potter fan. I think I'm the only one in my family who has read the books (whatever good that would do me now...)

But recently I've been able to get my dad, who hasn't seen any of the movies or read any books, to watch the entire franchise. The man who basically taught me that it's okay to be a fandom nerd as an adult and I was the one guiding him through such a rich franchise? I felt honored! I owe everything I know about Star Wars and Marvel to him (and to my brother, who also loves those franchises.) We finished watching the eight Harry Potter films a few weeks ago, and tomorrow we're going to watch Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindewald. I'm almost sad it's over. At least I found one more thing to squee about and I have someone to watch the next Fantastic Beast movie with! (Hopefully it'll be better than the last one; I didn't like Crimes of Grindewald, but maybe this rewatch will change my opinion.)

Now I get to invite someone to watch with me when those channels press the Harry Potter Movie Marathon button around the winter holidays :)