nimpark

It is hard to believe that we are nearly done with this year. I never knew how my first year as a legal adult would go for me until now. And it has had its ups and downs.

My best friend moved away and I have only seen their face once in the last three months. (Except on their own Instagram I guess.) We said we would call and video chat but it feels like I am the only one putting in an effort. I send videos and update them on my life and they just don't tell me anything; I have to learn about their life through their Instagram stories instead of them just telling me. And they recently sent a tiktok about being close friends with someone you hardly see, obviously referring to us. But I don't know if I want to have friends that I hardly see like this.

I don't know what I want. I have been very depressed the last few weeks. Just feeling like I am a stain on society, worthless, undeserving of love or compassion or understanding. Maybe it started with my efforts to write for a contest: I started believing that I had nothing worth putting out there. That my voice wasn't worth anybody spending any amount of time on. I feel like I am wasting my life. Do I want to be a writer? Does anyone even care what I have to say? Should anyone even care?

This Christmas was so difficult. I feel useless, I feel guilty for every gift I opened from my loving family because I didn't do anything to earn them. I don't deserve to have anybody spending money on me. I don't deserve anything good. I am just nothing. I need to talk to my dad about this. It will be another week before I can see my therapist and I don't know if I can hold this in for that long.

Not only that, but my apathy is also rearing out of control. I am actively seeking out information that is hurtful, but I can't bring myself to care about anything going on in the world. I am slowly losing steam for finishing the LOTR trilogy after starting The Return of the King.

One of the shining lights on this pit of vitriol nothingness I am lying in, I was gifted eleven volumes of Kuroshitsuji, easily one of my favorite manga series, if not just my top favorite series. I am now officially caught up with the latest volume! It takes up nearly an entire shelf on my manga bookcase now. I really love the direction of the story and I cried three or four times while reading the volumes I got!