~self care~

TW: some mention of eating disorder behaviors, nothing in graphic detail

I know it's become popular among advertisers to try and sell us things under the guise of taking care of ourselves. (Looking at you highly priced meditation apps and anti-aging products!) But I have been really focusing on myself and trying to hone in on my needs. Especially before I start college.

What my body needs has been so distorted by ~7 years of a consistent eating disorder. My worst symptoms were calorie and exercise-related. I don't think it has had too bad of an effect on me physically (except fucking up my metabolism and hunger cues probably) because I went through stretches of eating pretty normally, which would usually devolve into a few weeks of binge eating. Social media was a really hard influence on me because I got a lot of pro-eating disorder advice and actively avoided recovery. In all honesty, only a part of it was because of comparing my body to others, a lot of it was because of other reasons. My probably undiagnosed autism may have been a contributor. I don't know for sure but I'm not willing to rule it out.

Because of this history I have a difficult time with exercising and eating healthy without falling back into old routines. I think this is where my need for routines and obsessive behavior really negatively interacts with my eating disorder. But I know moving your body and eating a wide variety of foods is important for our overall health. So I'm making a genuine effort to engage with changing my current lifestyle a bit while not letting myself fall into those destructive patterns. Refocusing my mindset and not allowing numbers and guilt to rule my life anymore.

I don't think I'll go into any more detail than this. This is already a pretty personal post and a lot of things I'm writing down in my journal rather than posting online. So I'll end it here. I just want to say for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, whether you know it or not: your existence is important. You don't need to make yourself less than to be a part of this world. Your life is only so long, so you should take care of your mind and body as well as you're able. The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) has a online chat for support and a hotline number where you can text AND call if you need support.