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Helllooooo, it's been a while hasn't it? I've kept up to date on my tumblr but I've kind of neglected this dreamwidth account. I feel like a lot has happened so I'll do an update.

My previous laptop up and died on me. The plastic on it melted and then once my dad tried opening it and it cracked like a crab's leg. It was awful. But! I had this older laptop in my closet, so I wasn't entirely hopeless. Getting a new laptop just hasn't been a priority so I've been on this older one, and I've only just re-logged into dreamwidth today.

My mental health has been up and down lately. I was doing pretty well last week despite some low motivation, but this week I've been struggling with finding motivation to do anything. All I want to do is read and watch YouTube videos, and even then I get so unbelievably bored of it all. I want to write original stuff but I can barely write fanfiction so I'm trying to take things slow.

My class this semester is an intro to environmental science class and it's kind of boring. Either I'm not interested in the subject matter or I already learned it all in my biology class last semester. It's taking me a while to finish my associate's degree, but I'm about halfway done with my required courses. I'm struggling with feeling out of place compared to other people, feeling useless because I've never had a job and have very little life experiences. But then I think "I'm a student, all of this is okay." And I'm just a bit worried because one day I won't be a student anymore and then what? I still live at my parents' place and all my responsibility is school, which I'm only taking 1 or 2 classes a semester. Anything more and I have a stress-induced psychotic episode. Hell, I'm taking so little classes and I still get brief psychotic moments. Life is either stressful enough to trigger psychosis or I just don't have motivation to engage with life at all, and I don't know how to live like that. My best friend, who also has a severe mental illness, is talking with their therapist about going on disability. I've thought of that too, but I figure I should give working a try before going that route. I don't feel unmotivated all year, I just don't really know what to do.

I have class later today. I'm going to force myself to go, at least participate somewhat. I'm currently reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. Trying to read/watch less horror because I've been anxious and I had a horrible nightmare yesterday.